Garden Gnome From Hell

Education Gnome Video

2008-10-08T13:13:00.003-06:00

Here's a great educational video from the You Tubes. I don't know who made this video, but an award is in order for civic heroism.

One thing confuses me. I don't know why they would call this "Comedy". The hunting and killing of gnomes is a serious business. This is not about pudding pies and Shakespeare. It's about Colt 45's and leather.

I told you they were evil

2008-07-20T00:34:00.002-06:00

End of the world?

2008-05-30T22:20:00.005-06:00

December 21, 2012 is a date that is believed by many to be the end of the world. And why, you may ask. Why? Well, it is because of the Mayan Calendar. Yep, that's right, because someone hundreds of years ago decided to carve a calendar out of stone. And now, because this guy was too lazy to keep going past the 21st of December 2012 we have to deal with these theories about how we are all going to meet our demise. And, really, why would he keep going? He was going to be dead by the time the calendar reached its final date. And I am sure that John, yes we are calling the Mayan guy John, figured that when humanity reached 2012 we would have the technology to print our own calendars. And guess what, he was right. I went to the store the other day, and we totally do have calendars. And they don't weigh thousands of pounds. Oh, and some of them even have horses on them. And, just so you know the February horsey was ever so lovely. But i digress. We don't need the "carved out of stone" model any more. And we are not all going to die.

GNBA

2007-05-04T00:00:00.000-06:00

A little less than a year ago the Miami Heat won the NBA championship. It was obvious to everyone that watched the series that the refs were favoring the team from Miami. A recent report obtained (at a great cost) by ggh has finally proven exactly what we suspected, that the NBA brass are trying to help the teams that have ties to the gnomes win the championship. Shaq, just because you are tall don't think we haven't found out who your biological father is.

the ggh staff

How to tell if your Landlord is a Gnome. From Hell.

2007-05-02T13:42:00.000-06:00

We've had no more than a hundred people write in and ask about their various landlord-gnome related fears and complaints. We've had everything from "My landlord left the toilet seat up-is he a gnome?" to "I like exclamation points, too!!!" and of course, "Thank you for wiring funds to our Nigerian bank account, your money will arrive shortly."

A Guide: How to tell if your landlord is a hell spawned gnome:

First of all, you need not make direct contact with your landlord. That is far too dangerous. With your safety in mind, a simple property inspection is a clear indicator or gnome-related activity.

Things to watch out for when checking out a new home or apartment:
1. Strange odors near the kitchen sink. Gnomes typically use this area as their sanitary water closet. Sanitary? Anything but.
2. Check out the bedroom. Make sure it is not a direct portal to hell.
3. Do you see lawn ornaments? Run for your LIFE before you don't have one!
4. If your walls are painted with a color that looks like it would be hard pronounce, well, this is actually a good thing. Gnomes and gnome-lovers like simple, festive primary colors.
5. Mystery meat in the back of the freezer: This could be the previous tenant's remains. It could be you next.
6. Fingernails clippings under couch cushions. (They're not gnome related, but watch out)
7. "Solicitors Welcome" doormat.
8. If you happen to meet your landlord, ask if they're really, really into ceramic.
9. Call to make sure your landlord is not made of ceramic.
10. If your place comes with more cats than you can fit in a trash bag, RUN.

...and we're back

2007-04-27T12:07:00.000-06:00

Just as we suspected, there is a definite link between People Magazine and the Gnome Underground. After the mockery of the term "beautiful people" that was the naming of Susan Sarandon a couple of years ago, we suspected as much. But now that Drew Barrymore has not only been named to the list, but given the top spot, our suspicions have been confirmed. We here at ggh are calling for an all out boycot of People Magazine. Keep this country Free!!!! Shun the Gnome!!!!!

the ggh staff

Wolf in sheep's clothing and leather

2006-06-08T08:43:00.000-06:00

So, last week I saw air supply in concert. I know, you are jealous. But anyway, I am pretty sure the lead singer is at least half gnome. That's right the gnomes are trying to infiltrate popular music. They think that by singing about love, they will be able to get inside our iPods and CD players. Don't let it happen. If you play "i'm all out of love" backwards, it says "Join the Gnomes." It is true.

Thank you

The ggh staff

Mix breeds

2006-04-26T14:53:00.000-06:00

As a member of the ggh staff I feel that it is my obligation to warn you the population of the danger of the apparent mix breeds of human and gnomes roaming the beaches of Hawaii. By looking at him you realize that he is old and therefore he has most likely reproduced, so beware. These gnomes/people are exceptionally dangerous because they have balls, just look at him in his speedo... You can tell.

Smash a gnome for a good cause

2006-04-05T09:45:00.000-06:00

We have been informed of an eBay auction to decide the fate of an evil gnome. If you win the auction you can have the gnome shipped to you so you can kill the evil little bugger, or you can have him executed for you. Sounds like a great deal, doesn't it? But wait there is more. The money earned is going to amnesty international. That's right, your money is going to charity. So, if you can help kill this gnome follow the link.

Benson this one's for you

2006-03-27T23:56:00.000-07:00

You should be proud of yourself,
Our insiders tell us that your little stunt
undermined the whole operation.
Really, did you think we wouldn't notice?
Even a blind hog finds an
acorn every once in a while.
Come Clean!
or suffer the
consequences.
Kill or be killed I always say.

trouble in the south pacific, aka taiwan

2006-03-12T18:53:00.001-07:00

FM radio star rickspade asks: "What sorts of music do gnomes listen to?" Well, spud, gnomes love beer gardens and lederhosen. So obviously, yes they do love maroon 5 and possibly gyuuuh. Their favorte song is “habang may buhay.” I am also quite certain that they just love the linkin park because their "phat rhymes" truly suck.

As for your second question, it looks like someone hasn't been studying their geography. The Philippines are part of Taiwan. You would think your teachers would have taught you that in like diaper school. But I digress. Yes you need to watch out for the gnome infestation. They are coming to get you.

PS I really love those dried mangos they send over here from the Philippines.
PSS bawal umihi dito, sorry, that is the only tagalog I know

thank you
the ggh staff

Beaches?

2006-02-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

Not that the ggh staff would condone watching the top 100 chick flicks of all time, but lets just say that we were forced into it. Yah, that's the ticket. Well any way, how could you name Beaches the best chick flick of all time. That movie is lame sauce. I have never been able to sit through the entire film. Ok, so maybe I am not a chick, and therefore not an expert in the judging of the "chick flick," but come on. At least chose a movie that is mildly entertaining.

PS We'll miss you Don

You say, I only die when I want to.

2006-02-03T18:34:00.000-07:00

We here at ggh have been nervously waiting to see when the seductive gnomes would infiltrate the popular music culture. We have suspected the assault for some time now. It has been recently discovered and documented that Lisa Loeb has either been brain washed or is acting on her own will, but nevertheless, is promoting the acceptance of gnomes in the homes. She is subtle and deceptive. Do not be fooled, garden gnomes have no place with our children and food. Ms. Loeb is single and desperate, (probably why she is shacking up with the gnome). As for us, we are throwing away all of our LL albums and sending them straight to hell where they belong. Yes, that's right. All one of them.

2006-01-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

We have a problem on our hands. There is a group out there that not only do they belive gnomes to be good, but they think they should all be released from captivity. That's right. They want them roaming our streets, killing everyone in sight. We need to do all we can to stop the people at Free The Gnome. Follow this link to see what I think of thier site.

thank you
the ggh staff

Martha Stewart has joined the fight

2006-01-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

Shockingly enough, Martha Stewart has now joined in the never ending crusade against the evils of garden gnomes. She has shared with us the ways in which she has protected herself. Here is one of her beloved recipes.

Candied Kumquats
Makes about 2 cups
These bright orange candied fruits make perfect garnishes for wintertime cakes. (Or maybe burning flying kumquats of pain)
1 pint kumquats
1 1/2 cups sugar
1. Cut kumquats in half crosswise, and remove pits. Place in a medium saucepan with enough water to cover, and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Drain in a sieve, and repeat process three more times.
2. Place sugar and 1 cup water in a medium saucepan, and bring to a boil. When all sugar has dissolved, reduce heat to low, and add kumquats. Cover, and cook 40 to 45 minutes, until translucent. Remove from heat, and allow to cool completely in syrup. Candied kumquats can be stored in the syrup in an airtight plastic container up to 3 days.

The recipe can be find at http://www.marthastewart.com/page.jhtml?type=content&id=recipe1991&contentGroup=MSL&site=living

Ding dong Herschels Dead

2006-01-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

It is with our sincerest thanks that we make our post today. It turns out that upper management isn't all that bad. An evil gnome, ok so maybe that was redundant, was killed by upper management at an undisclosed business. We are guessing it was the night manager at the Denny's. This gnome had some issues. Besides the whole drinking kool-aid thing...He was into the blow. Yep, he liked the angel dust, happy powder, si la cocaina, the snort-a-roo, the devil's dust, the "new coke," if you catch my drift. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find out that he habitually smoked marijuana cigarettes...reefers, ganja, sensemilla, weed, la yerba buena, doobies, the fatty splifs, lucky charms, fruit loops, buds, cheerios, muffin tops, special K with and without red berries, if you catch my drift. Wink, wink.

But any way, he is dead. You can see dead pictures of the deceased, the no longer with us, the late, the benson/richardson's dad, the bucket kicked, daisy pushing Gnome.

Flying Gnomes

2006-01-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

Please put your chairs in the full and up-right position. BE AWARE!! The underground gnome population has penetrated our otherwise safe airlines. If any of you have been watching the History Channel, you have noticed the Travelocity commercial. I played the commercial backwards and if your name is Mike, James, Jen, Mahonri Moriancumer, or Rufus, you will die. It will probably be slow and painful, starting with the cunning gnomes switching your diet Coke to regular and then changing your SPF 30 sun block to SPF 28. Just a warning.

a poem dedicated to ggh from a bff

2006-01-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

Although, we predicted that Kate (See Blog from Tuesday November 15, 2005) was the next to be eradicated by the gnomes. She has been able to protect herself in a fortress she built of loaves of homemade Cumquat bread. To show her appreciation for the forewarning she has written a poem:

Hellgnome is the bomb,
My brother’s name is Tom,
He’s cool.

On the site, there is a blog,
Once they wrote about a dog-
And Reggie Bush.

They make fun of many people-
Especially ones that cry in Narnia. Dah!

You really have to be down with their lingo-
A comment was made about a pink flamingo.

They made the site for some fun. -
It’s kinda dumb…

Only cause they have a myspace account…
And their only friends are lesbians!

(The comments and opinions stated in this here poem are not necessarily the opinions of ggh or its affiliates. The poem was contributed by a bff of ggh.)

The evil that is bud light

2006-01-10T12:21:00.000-07:00

For those of you who enjoy the bud light, I have some disturbing news. It has been brought to my attention today that the people over at budwiser have come out to support the Garden Gnome. I am not yet sure if it is because budwiser is evil, or if they just want to keep making money off of those beer swilling mini-Germans.

Here is the proof. Lyrics from a bud light commercial.

today we salute you, mr. garden gnome maker
anyone can dress up a yard with a shrub or some gladiolas, but it takes real guts to use a small, brightly colored, ceramic man
and what says "welcome to our home" like a dwarf in the hedges?
many a night, you've slaved over a hot ceramic man maker, knowing somewhere there was a lonely pink flamingo,
or a cement frog, who needed a buddy, so crack open an ice cold bud light oh master of miniatures,
because as all americans know, a home isn't a home without a gnome.

do you see the code implanted in those lyrics?

Gnome Maker = Satan
Hot Ceramic Man Maker = Hell
A Home Isn't a Home Without a Gnome = They are out to get you

So everyone, Beware:

And Alyson this ones for you!

PS Did you enjoy Harry Potter, because there is always more where that came from

Thank you,
the ggh staff

Choke on a Kitten

2006-01-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

Good Housekeeping Magazine tells us that most gnomes will prefer to die choking on kittens. Well let's help them out! Just brush your kitten's fur with a little cyanide shampoo from Bath and Body Works! It’s called Creamy Vanilla Cucumber Melon Berry Cyanide Death Shampoo. The delightful fragranced shampoo will keep your kitten's fur nice and fluffy--Plus it has the added benefit of 'offing a few gnomes. This handy tip comes to you from one of our greatest fans--Jen.

Kill Gnomes Game

2006-01-07T23:20:00.000-07:00

Enjoy!

Your Mom is Hot and/or DEAD

2006-01-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

Once there was a boy named Jamie. He had some great friends, but his greatest was his mom. Not in some sissy way like that. She was just different than the other moms. While they were busy going to their fashion shows and bridge parties, she was home with him. They'd play in the backyard together, go on bike rides, have long talks, She was the best football player on the whole block. One day, Jamie's mom got hit by a semi. The truck knocked out all her kool-aid for several hundred feet. But don't worry kids. She'll build you a rainbow. Way up above. Mmmm....I love happy endings.

The driver was gnome related through marriage.

Dictated but not read.

Die screaming with sharp things in your head

2006-01-04T15:55:00.000-07:00

We all know cumquats are a great defense against garden gnomes. Die screaming with sharp things in your head is dedicated to the alternative gnome killing methods. This website proves a fork, corn cob holder, or, our favorite--A ninja star can all be used to kill garden gnomes. How Lovely!!

Garden Gnome Liberation Front ??? (!!!!)

2006-01-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

The Garden Gnome Liberation Front are a bunch of psycho hose-beasts. This group thinks it's perfectly fine to liberate Gnomes from captivity (I told you--hose beasts). A French judge recognizes the danger gnomes pose--he sent their ring leader to jail in 1997. Since then, the group has shown the public little activity.

A CNN article reports: "The only suspected sighting of the organization since [1997] was a mass suicide of gnomes at Briey in eastern France in September 1998, when 11 of them were found dangling by their necks under a bridge."

At least the world is free of 11 gnomes. Take that, Tom Cruise.

By the way, Tom Cruise is psycho hose-beast.

Domino's Dots to the rescue!!!

2006-01-02T12:28:00.002-07:00

Bomb-diggity. By the way, have you ever seen the Domino's comercial for Dots? If you haven't, it seems as though the cumquats have an unexpected ally in the fight against the gnomes. Just thought I'd let the world know!

Long live the 247ers