Frequently Asked Questions

Q:  Where are Garden Gnomes from?

A:  HELL

Q:  Why did you make this web site? 

A:  We are attempting to save the free world from Garden Gnomes and tuna flavored mayonnaise.  Oh, by the way, in case I forget to mention it in another part of this site.  Don't ever eat tuna flavored mayo.  It is disgusting, and it will do bad things to your stomach. 

Q:  How did you learn so much about Garden Gnomes?

A:  Encyclopedia Britannica, duh.

Q:  I like Garden Gnomes.

A:  That's not a question, stupid.

Q:  I have been hearing all this hoopla about cumquats. Why is this?

A:  Well, its funny you asked.  Cumquats are the natural predator of Garden Gnomes.  They can't stand each other. 

Q:  My dishwasher has been acting up.  What should I do? 

A:  Well, you should have purchased the extended warranty when you got said dishwasher at Sears.  But, it is a little late for that now.  At this point you should call your local Maytag Man. 

Q:  My sister is about to buy a baby from Romania.  Should I be worried about my safety? 

A:  Most Romanians are not actually Gnome.  Only those from Taiwan and Texas. 

Q:  Why do you hate Garden Gnomes?

A:   Maybe this little story will help elucidate the situation for you. 

Heber shivered in the cold.  He wrapped his thin coat around him.  It would soon be his birthday, and all he wanted was a warm coat.  He knew it would upset his mother if he asked for one.  They were so poor. Sometimes they went to bed early because there was no fuel left to keep the house warm.  To earn money, Heber's mother would often sew until far into the night, making clothes for other people.  On the day of Heber's birthday, his mother wished him a happy birthday and handed him the most beautiful coat he had ever seen...A few weeks later, Heber was on an errand and saw a boy just his size crying with cold.  The boy looked a Heber's coat longingly.  Heber stopped and, almost without thinking, took the coat off and gave it to the boy.  That afternoon, Heber's mother saw him wearing his old coat.  She asked, "what have you done with your lovely new coat?"  Then he explained.  "Couldn't you have given him our old one?" she asked.  Heber looked up at his mother, hoping she would understand, as she answered her own question, "Of course, you couldn't, Heber, of course you couldn't." 

Do you think a gnome would give up it's coat to help a freezing boy...I didn't think so.   And, as we all know, Garden Gnomes are proven to cause at least four types of cancer. Also, as previously discussed, Garden Gnomes are from Hell. 

Any other questions?  Feel free to write us at dumbquestions@gardengnomefromhell.com